The topper
My best friend in Japan, Chris, has an American friend, Bill, who is a topper. I mean, no matter what we say, Bill immediately has to claim to have exceeded us. It’s more than a little annoying, really, but I do my best to tolerate the guy and say nothing. He means well, at least.
I’m not sure what Bill does for a living. It’s a little suspicious, really. He’s a little older than Chris and me. He lives in a house with his Japanese wife. His children are grown now. He has a total of five children by three different women. He’s a retired member of the American military - so it seems he was stationed in Japan, met his first wife here, settled and remained here ever since. I think he might be one of these Caucasian foreigners who has a fetish for Asian ladies.
Frankly, I think Bill is full of shit. He gives an excellent impersonation of uselessness. But …….
In addition to being a U.S. Marine, he claims to have been a professional businessman, a professional athlete, a professional radio announcer, a professional university instructor. (He likes to use the word “professional.”) Furthermore, a professional language teacher, a professional script writer, a professional language coach for a Japanese film studio, a professional Scuba instructor, a professional sommelier, a professional author, a professional chef, and a personal acquaintance of Steve Wozniak. And, as a younger man, he modeled men’s wear for an American department store catalogue.
Me: I earned 25 merit badges when I was a Boy Scout.
Bill: That’s nothing. I earned 30.
Me: My first job paid me $48 thousand dollars a year. I was so impressed with myself because up until that time I’d never seen that much money.
Bill: That’s nothing. In my first job, I made $100 thousand in commissions during my first month, and I was a millionaire before the end of the first year.
Me: I once saw George Harrison walking through the Los Angeles International Airport.
Bill: That’s nothing. In 1969, I was an assistant sound engineer at Abbey Road Studios. The Beatles asked me to do backing guitar on three of their tracks. And, Jimmy Hendrix said I was the best studio guitarist he’d every worked with.
Me: I used to have ten thousand books in my library.
Bill: That’s nothing. I ran a used bookstore with an inventory of 500,000.
Me: I didn’t sleep much last night.
Bill: That’s nothing. I’m part of a secret government test on sleep deprivation. I haven’t slept since last February.
Me: Look, I found this rock that looks like a donut.
Bill: That’s nothing. I found a rock that looks like Peggy Lipton and Clarence Williams from The Mod Squad.
Me: When I ride the Tokyo subways, I sometimes try to hold my breath from the moment the train enters the tunnel until the moment it emerges at the next station, as a kind of fitness check.
Bill: I can hold my breath for six minutes.
Me: I’ve traveled across western Canada eleven times on the VIA Rail Canadian sleeper train.
Bill: That’s nothing. I once travelled around the world in 80 days in a hot air balloon while being chased by Messerschmitts.
Me: I had a dentist appointment yesterday for cleaning.
Bill: I’ve never been to the dentist, but during the physical examination when I joined the Marines the doctor said I had the best set of teeth in the history of the Corps.
Me: I saw a TV show being filmed on the street early Saturday morning.
Bill: That’s nothing. I was an extra in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and I paid the cameramen in reefers to zoom in on me in every passing shot.
Me: I sent a Christmas card to Queen Elizabeth II and to Pope Francis, too.
Bill: That’s nothing. I’m pen pals with George W. Bush.
Me: When I was in elementary school, I studied judo for a short time at my local YMCA. I got my yellow belt.
Bill: That’s nothing. I got my black belt in karate before I turned 14.
Me: I got my Bachelor’s degree in three years, one year faster than usual.
Bill: I did a double Bachelor’s/Master’s in four years, then my Ph.D. in one year after that.
Me: I’m worried about the economy.
Bill: That’s nothing. During the Vietnam War I had nothing to eat but the cold stench of death.
Me: I got only four hours’ sleep last night.
Bill: That’s nothing. I was born awake and decided to stay that way.
Me: I caught a fish this big. It was the biggest fish ever caught in that lake.
Bill: That’s nothing. I once caught a dinosaur using nothing but dental floss and the pull tab from a beer can.
Me: I’m in a bad mood. Maybe I need some sun to boost my vitamin D level.
Bill: That’s nothing. Exposure to my inner glow will give you a full range of vitamins and minerals.
Me: I did something stupid today.
Bill: That’s nothing. I’m the dumbest person in the history of the universe.