How Canadian am I?
One day, I was watching Youtube videos with titles like “Things only Canadians understand,” or “Australians react to Canadian things.” I didn’t understand most of the things in the videos.
Some people suggest that I’m not Canadian enough, or that I’m not “really” Canadian because I’ve never been to a Tim Hortons. I’ve never eaten Tim Hortons doughnuts. I don’t like doughnuts because they have too many calories and they’re messy.
CON
I don’t drink coffee, or beer. So, I’ve never been to the beer store. Honestly, I don’t even know how to make coffee, although I’m sure I can probably figure it out if I have to. I don’t drink alcohol, either, so I’ve never been to the LCBO except to pick up empty boxes. I never went to the King Eddie or the Albion (two popular downtown Guelph bars) and, though I know where the Albion is, I never knew where the King Eddie is, or was. I never went to the Mustang (a popular Guelph drive-in theatre). I don’t even know where it is, or was. I’ve never eaten poutine, although I knew what poutine was long before it became popular in English Canada (before many of its current fans had even heard of it). I never rode a skateboard. I never went to a roller rink. I never swam in the Speed River (the local stream). I’ve eaten plenty of Nanimo bars, but I’ve never EVER eaten s’mores. But I’ve listened to people talk about them like they’re talking about seeing God, or about losing their virginity, or something. I’ve never listened to The Tragically Hip, and I don’t like Rush or Joni Mitchell. I’ve never been to the Hillside Festival (an annual music festival in Guelph), and I don’t know where it’s held. Presumably it’s held on the side of a hill somewhere. I didn’t enjoy primary school field trips to the maple sugar farm to see how maple syrup was made from tree sap. The maple shack was stinky and cold. And, I didn’t particularly like the instant do-it-yourself candy we were given by pouring the hot liquid syrup onto the snow. I preferred chocolate to maple. (I still do.) Plus, I’ve never seen The Kids in the Hall or Schitt’s Creek. I don’t ice skate. I don’t ski. I don’t say “eh.” And, I don’t think much of Terry Fox, either.
PRO
I played road hockey as a kid, notching goals on my stick like a gun-slinger recording kills. And, I really enjoy a good blizzard. I jumped in piles of raked leaves as a kid, and I tobogganed and inner-tubed. I even tried orienteering through the autumn woods. I shoveled a lot of snow, and I ate snow to cool down from my cold-weather exertions. I smoked bumwadoes at summer camp (toilet paper wrapped around dry pine needles scooped up from the forest floor). I did archery, and I rode go-carts round and round the go-cart track. I went to Rocky’s hotdog house as a kid, plus the A&W drive-in, Gentleman Jim’s, and the Ponderosa Steak House, and Harvey’s, of course. Today, as an adult, I still eat my red Smarties last, and I own a pair of snowshoes (as a wall decoration). I habitually greet people when I’m out for a walk, and I know how to paddle a canoe. I have a maple leaf tattoo, and an inukshuk tattoo, as well. Milk in 1-liter plastic bags makes perfect sense to me, and I like Kraft macaroni and cheese. But, I’ve never been to Tim Hortons.
What the hell did I do growing up in Guelph? The usual Canadian things, you know. Stole stuff, and set stuff on fire. Like that.