Confessions of a Sinner
by St. Augustine
(Penguin 1961)
Man is one of your creatures, Lord, and his instinct is to praise you.
Page 1.
The thought of you stirs him so deeply that he cannot be content unless he praises you.
Page 1.
Our hearts find n peace until they rest in you.
Page 1.
I shall look for you, Lord, by praying to you and as I pray I shall believe in you.
Page 1.
In your sight no man is free from sin, not even a child who has lived only one day on earth.
Page 4.
If babies are innocent it is not for lack of will to do harm, but for lack of strength.
Page 5.
If I was born in sin and guilt was with me already when my mother conceived me, where, I ask you, Lord, where or when was I, your servant, ever innocent?
Page 5.
I was admitted to the sacraments of salvation and washed clean by acknowledging you, Lord Jesus, for the pardon of my sins. So my washing in the waters of baptism was postponed, in the surmise that, if I continued to live, I should defile myself again with sin and, after baptism, the guilt of pollution would be greater and more dangerous.
Page 7.
In your eyes nothing could b more debased than I was then, since I was even troublesome to the people whom I set out to please.
Page 9.
My sin was this, that I looked for pleasure, beauty, and truth not in him but in myself and his other creatures, and the search led me instead to pain, confusion, and error.
Page 11.
I should not even exist if it were not by your gift.
Page 11.
For love of your love I shall retrace my wicked ways.
Page 12.
As I grew to manhood I was inflamed with desire for a surfeit of hell’s pleasures.
Page 12.
I was pleased with my own condition and anxious to be pleasing in the eyes of men.
Page 12.
Your ears will surely listen to the cry of a penitent heart which lives the life of faith.
Page 14.
I was willing to steal, and steal I did, although I was not compelled by any lack, unless it were he lack of a sense of justice or a distaste for what was right and a greedy love of doing wrong.
Page 14.
Our real pleasure consisted in doing something that was forbidden.
Page 15.
To love and to have my love returned was my heart’s desire, and it would be all the sweeter if I could enjoy the body of the one who loved me.
Page 17.
My sins were a sacrifice to the devil.
Page 18.
Men are so blind that they even take pride in their blindness.
Page 18.
It was my ambition to be a good speaker, for the unhallowed and inane purpose of gratifying human vanity. The prescribe course of study brought me to a work by an author named Cicero, whose writing nearly everyone admires, if not the spirit of it. The title of the book is Hortensius and it recommends the reader to study philosophy. It altered my outlook on life. It changed my prayers to you, O Lord, and provided me with new hopes and aspirations. All my empty dreams suddenly lost their charm and my heart began to throb with a bewildering passion for the wisdom of eternal truth.
Page 19.
He made the world and he stays close to it. For when he made the world he did not go away and leave it. By him it was created and in him it exists. Wherever we taste the truth, God is there. He is in our very inmost hearts, but our hearts have strayed form him.
Page 27.
The good things which you love are all from God, but they are good and sweet only as long as they are used to do his will.
Page 27.
We can admire persons whom we have never seen, if we hear them praised, though this does not mean that simply to hear their praises will make us admire them.
Page 30.
My soul is weak and helpless unless it clings to the firm rock of truth. Men give voice to their opinions, but they are only opinions.
Page 31.
If I wanted to be a learned man, it could only mean that I wanted to be better than I was.
Page 31.
Though I did not know it, I was in exile from my place in God’s city among his faithful children, my fellow citizens.
Page 32.
I had my back to the light and my face was turned towards the things which it illumined, so that my eyes, by which I saw the things which stood in the light, were themselves in darkness.
Page 33.
If a man is quick to understand and his perception is keen, he has these gifts from you.
Page 33.
What good to me was my ability, if I did not use it well?
Page 34.
When you are our strength e are strong, but when our strength is our own we are weak. In you our good abides for ever, and when we turn away from it we turn to evil. Let us come home to you at last, O Lord.
Pages 34-35.
Our home is your eternity and it does not fall because we are away.
Page 35.
Accept my confessions, O Lord. They are a sacrifice offered by my tongue, for yours was the hand that fashioned it and yours the spirit that made it to acknowledge you.
Pahe 36.
Man’s heart may be hard, but it cannot resist the tough of your hand.
Page 36.
Just as none can hide away from the sun, none can escape your burning heat.
Page 36.
You come close only to men who are humble at heart. The proud cannot find you even though by dint of study they have skill to number stars and grains of sand, to measure the tracts of constellations and trace the paths of planets.
Pages 37-38.
The Manichaean books are full of the most tedious fictions about the sky and the stars, the sun and the moon. I badly wanted Faustus to compare these with the mathematical calculations which I had studied in other books, so that I might judge whether the Manichaean theories were more likely to be true or, at least, equally probable.
Pages 39-40.
Modesty and candour are finer equipment for the mind than scientific knowledge of the kind that I wished to possess.
Page 40.
What else can save us but your hand, remaking what you have made?
Page 41.
Since your mercy endures for ever, by your promises you deign to become a debtor to those whom you release from every debt.
Page 43.
In Milan I found your devoted servant the bishop Ambrose.
Page 44.
Unknown to me, it was you who led me to him, so that I might knowingly be led by him to you.
Page 45.
Faustus had lost his way among the fallacies of Manicheism, while Ambrose most surely taught the doctrine of salvation. But your mercy is unknown to sinners such as I was then, though step by step, unwittingly, I was coming closer to it.
Page 45.
While I was all ears to seize upon his eloquence, I also began to sense the truth of what he said, though only gradually. First of all it struck me that it was, after all, possible to vindicate his arguments. Ig began to believe that the Catholic faith which I had thought impossible to defend against he objections of the Manichees, might fairly be maintained, especially since I had heard one passage after another in the Old Testament figuratively explained.
Page 46.
I did not feel that I ought to follow the Catholic path simply because it too had its learned men, ready to vouch for it and never at a loss for sound arguments in answer to objections. On the other hand I did not think that my own beliefs should be condemned simply because an equally good case could be made out for either side. For I thought the Catholic side unbeaten but still not victorious.
Pages 46-47.
The more I thought about the material world and the whole of nature, as far as we can be aware of it through our bodily senses, and the more I took stock of the various theories, the more I began to think that the opinions of the majority of the philosophers were most likely to true. So, treating everything as a matter of doubt, as the Academics are generally supposed to do, and hovering between one doctrine and another, I made up my mind at least to leave the Manichees, for while I was in this state of indecision I did not ink it right to remain in the sect now that I found the theories of some pf the philosophers preferable.
Page 47.
I was looking for you outside myself and I did not find the God of my own hear. I had reached the depths of the ocean. I had lost all faith and was in despair of finding the truth.
Page 48.
I had been rescued from falsehood, even if I had not yet grasped the truth.
Page 49.
From now on I began to prefer the Catholic teaching. The Church demanded that certain things should be believed even though they could not be proved, for if they could be proved, not all men could understand the proof, and some could not be proved at all. It thought that the Church was entirely honest in this and far less pretentious than the Manichees, who laughed at people who took things on faith, made rash promises of scientific knowledge, and then put forward a whole system of preposterous inventions which they expected their followers to believe on trust because they could not be proved.
Page 50.
Most of all it came home to me how firm and unshakeable was the faith which told me who my parents were because I could never have known this unless I believed what I was told.
Page 50.
My belief that you existed and that our well-being was in your hands was sometimes strong, sometimes weak, but I always held to it even though I knew neither what I ought to think about your substance or which way would lead me to you or lead me back to you.
Page 51.
As for the passages which had previously struck me as absurd, now that I had heard reasonable explanations of many of them I regarded them as or the nature of profound mysteries; and it seemed to me all the more right that the authority of Scripture should be respected and accepted with the purest faith, because while all can read it with ease, it also has a deeper meaning in which its great secrets are locked away.
Page 51.
She always said that by some sense, which she could not describe in words, she was able to distinguish between your revelations and her own natural dreams.
Pages 52-53.
Meanwhile I was sinning ore and more. The woman with whom I had been living was torn from my side as an obstacle to my marriage and this was a blow which rushed my heart to bleeding, because I loved her dearly. She went back to Africa, vowing never to give herself to any other man, and left with me the son whom she had borne me.
Page 53.
Because I was more a slave of lust than a true lover of marriage, I took another mistress, without the sanction of wedlock. This meant that the disease of my soul would continue unabated.
Page 53.
As my misery grew worse and worse, you came the closer to me.
Page 54.
In you alone the soul can rest you are there to free us from the misery of error which leads us astray, to set us on your own path and to comfort us.
Page 54.
I was only a man, and a weak man t that, but I tried to think of you as the supreme God, the only God, the true God. With all my heat I believed that you could never suffer decay or hurt or change, for although I did not know how or why this should be, I understood with complete certainty that what is subject to decay is inferior to that which is not, and without hesitation I placed that which cannot be harmed above that which can, and I saw that what remains constant is better than that which is changeable.
Page 55.
Although I did not imagine you in the shape of a human body, I could not free myself from the thought that you were some kind of bodily substance extended in space either permeating the world or diffused in infinity beyond it
Page 56.
So I thought of you too, O Life of my life, as a great being with dimensions extending everywhere, throughout infinite space, permeating the whole mass of whole world and reaching in all directions beyond it without limit, so that the earth and the sky and all creation were full of you and their limits were within you, while you had no limits at all.
Page 56.
It became obvious to me that all that you have made is good, and that there are no substances whatsoever that were not made by you. And because you did not make them all equal, each single thing is good and collectively they are very good, for our God made his whole creation very good.
Page 60.
I realized that above my own mind, which was liable to change, thee was the never changing, true eternity of truth.
Page 61.
I was not humble enough to conceive of the humble Jesus Christ as my God, nor had I learnt what lesson his human weakness was meant to teach. The lesson is that your Word, the eternal Truth, which far surpasses even the higher parts of your creation, raises up to himself all who subject themselves to him.
Page 62.
He would cure them of the pride that swelled up in their hearts and would nurture love in its place, so that they should no longer stride ahead confident in themselves, but might realize their own weakness when at their feet they saw God himself, enfeebled by sharing this garment of our mortality.
Page 63.
As a youth I had been woefully at fault, particularly in early adolescence. I had prayed to you for chastity and said “Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.”
Page 68.
I had wandered on along the road of vice in the sacrilegious superstition of the Manichees, not because I thought that I was right, but because I preferred it to the Christian belief which I did not explore as I ought but opposed out of malice.
Pages 68-69.
I was beside myself with madness that would bring me sanity. I was dying a death that would bring me life. I knew the evil that was in me, but the good that was soon to be born in me I did not know.
Page 70.
To make the journey, and to arrive safely, no more was required than an act of will. But it must be a resolute and whole-hearted act of the will, not some lame wish which I kept turning over and over in my mind.
Pages 70-71.
In my heart I kept saying “Let it be now, let it be now!”, and merely by saying this I was on the point of making the resolution. I was on the point of making it, but I did not succeed.
Page 71.
The closer I came to the moment which was to mark the great change in me, the more I shrank from it in horror. But it did not drive me back or turn me from my purpose: it merely left me hanging in suspense.
Page 72.
You converted me to yourself so that I no longer desired a wife or placed any hope in this world but stood firmly upon the rule of faith.
Page 74.
I thought it best to retire quietly from the market where I sold the services of my tongue rather than make an abrupt and sensational departure. I intended that young pupils who gave no thought to your law or your peace, but only to lies and the insane warfare of the courts, should no longer buy from my lips any weapon to arm their madness.
Page 75.
With us we took the boy Adeodatus, my natural son born of my sin. You had given him every gift. Although he was barely fifteen, there were man learned and respected men who were not his equals in intelligence. … It was you too, and none other, who had inspired us to bring him up as you would have him. These were your gifts and I acknowledge them.
Page 76.
We were baptized, and all anxiety over the past melted away from us.
Page 76.
We discussed where we could most usefully serve you and together we set out to return to Africa. While we were at Ostia, at the mouth of the Tiber, my mother died.
Page 77.
If any man makes a list of his deserts, what would it be but a list of your gifts? If only men would know themselves for what they are!
Page 82.
Inspire those of them who read this book to remember Monica, your servant, at your altar and with her Patricius, her husband, who died before her, by whose bodies you brought me into this life, though how it was I do not know.
Page 83.
Could anything of mine remain hidden from you, even if I refused to confess it?
Page 84.
Let all who are truly my brothers love in me what they know from your teaching to be worthy of their love, and let them sorrow to find in me what they know from your teaching to be occasion for remorse.
Page 85.
My true brothers are those who rejoice for me in their hearts when they find good in me, and grieve for me when they find sin. They are my true brothers, because whether they see good in me or evil, they love me still.
Page 85.
The good I do is done by you in me and by your grace: the evil is my fault; it is the punishment you send me.
Page 85.
Do not relinquish what you have begun, but make perfect what is still imperfect in me.
Page 86.
There is joy in my heart when I confess to you, yet there is fear as well, there is sorrow, and yet hope.
Page 86.
So to such do you command me to serve I will reveal, not what I have been, but what I have become and what I am. But, since I do not scrutinize my own conduct, let my words be understood as they are meant.
Page 87.
You commanded me not to commit fornication, and though you did not forbid me to marry, you counselled me to take a better course. You gave me the grace and I did your bidding.
Page 87.
In my memory, of which I have said much, the image of things imprinted upon it by my former habits still linger on.
Page 87.
During sleep where is my reason which, when I am a wake, resists such suggestions and remains firm and undismayed even in face of the realities themselves? Is it sealed off when I close my eyes?
Page 88.
The difference between waking and sleeping is so great that even when, during sleep, it happens otherwise, I return to a clear conscience when I wake and realize that because of this difference, I was not responsible for the act, although I am sorry that by some means or other it happened to me.
Page 88.
More and more, O Lord, you will increase your gifts in me, so that my soul may follow me to you, freed from the concupiscence which binds it, and rebel no more against itself.
Page 88.
A mediator between God and man must have something in common with God and something in common with man.
Page 92.
There is a true Mediator, whom in your secret mercy you have shown to men. You sent him so that by his example they too might learn humility. He is the Mediator between God and men, Jesus Christ, who is a man, and he appeared on earth between men, who are sinful and mortal, and God, who is immortal and just. Like men he was mortal: like God, he was just.
Page 93.
As man, he is our Mediator; but as the Word of God, he is not an intermediary between God and man because he is equal with God, and God with God, and together with him one God.
Pages 93-94.
Christ died for us all, so that being alive should no longer mean living with our own life, but with life who died for us.
Page 94.
Save me from the scorn of my enemies, for the price of my redemption is always in my thoughts.
Page 94.
Truth, which is neither Hebrew nor Greek nor Latin nor any foreign speech, would speak to me, though not in syllables formed by lips and tongue. It would whisper, “He speaks the truth.”
Page 95.
Moses, whose words were true because you, the Truth, filled him with yourself.
Page 95.
A fickle-minded man, whose thoughts were all astray because of his conception of time past, might wonder why you … should have been idle and allowed countless ages to elapse before you finally undertook the vast work of creation. … Their wonder is based on a misconception.
How could those countless ages have elapsed when you the Creator, in whom all ages have their origin, had not yet created them? What time could there have been that was not created by you? How could time elapse if it never was?
You are the Maker of all time. If, then, there was any time before you made heaven and earth, how can anyone say that you were idle? You must have made that time, for time could not elapse before you made it.
Page 97.
No time is co-eternal with you, because you never change; whereas, if time never changed, it would not be time.
Page 98.
It is utterly impossible that things which do not exist should be revealed. The means by which you do this is far beyond our understanding.
Page 98.
I confess to you, Lord, that I still do not understand what time is.
Page 99.
I am in a sorry state, for I do not even know what I do not know!
Page 99.
You are eternally without change, the truly eternal Creator of minds. In the Beginning you knew heaven and earth, and there was no change in your knowledge. In just the same way, in the Beginning you created heaven and earth, and there was no change in your action.
Page 100.
You are supreme above all, yet your dwelling is in the humble of heart.
Page 100.
Where, O Lord, is the Heaven of Heavens of which we hear in the words of the psalm. To the Lord belongs the Heaven of Heavens, the earth he gives to the children of men? Where is that other heaven which we cannot se and compared with which all that we see is merely earth?
Page 101.
All things have their origin in you, whatever the degree of their being, although the less they are like you, the farther they are from you - and here I am not speaking in terms of space.
Page 103.
You created heaven and earth but you did not make them of your own substance. If you had done so, they would have been equal to your only begotten Son and therefore to yourself, and justice could in no way admit that what was not of your own substance should be equal to you.
Page 103.
You are good and all that you make must be good, both the great Heaven of Heavens and this little earth.
Page 103.
The account left by Moses, whom you chose to pass it on to us, is like a spring which all the more copious because it flows in a confined space. … From the words of Moses, uttered in all brevity but destined to serve a host of preachers, there gush clear streams of truth from which each of us, though in more prolix and roundabout phrases, may derive a true explanation of the creation as best he is able, some choosing one and some another interpretation.
Page 105.
Why should he not have had both meanings in mind, if both are true? And if others see in the same words a third, or a fourth, or any number of true meanings, why should we not believe that Moses saw them all? There is only one God, who cased Moses to write the Holy Scriptures in the way best suited to the minds of great numbers of men who would all see truth in them though not the same truths in each case.
Page 105.
As he wrote those words, he was aware of all that they implied. He was conscious of every truth that we can deduce from them and of others besides that we cannot, or cannot yet, find in them but are nevertheless there to be found.
Page 106.
If the explanation I give accords with the meaning which Moses had in mind, I shall have done what is right and best. This is what I must try my utmost to do. But if I fail, let me at least say what your Truth wills to reveal to me by the words of Scripture, just as he revealed what he willed to Moses.
Page 107.
I call you to come into my soul, for by inspiring it to long for you you prepare it to receive you.
Page 108.
For before I was, you were: I was nothing, that you should give me being. Yet now I am; and this is because out of your goodness you provided for all that you have made me and all from which have made me. You had no need of me, nor am I a creature good in such a way as to be helpful to you.
Page 108.
But for you no good could come to me, for I should not even exist to receive it.
Page 109.
Only you can never change, because you alone are absolute simplicity, for whom to live is the same as to live in blessed happiness, since you are your own beatitude.
Page 109.
Who can understand the omnipotent Trinity? We all speak of it, though we may not speak of it as it truly is, for rarely does a soul know what it is saying when it speaks of the Trinity.
Page 111.
None of us can easily conceive whether God is a Trinity because all these three - immutable being, immutable knowledge, and immutable will - are together in him; whether all three are together in each person of the Trinity, so that each is threefold; or whether both these suppositions are true and in some wonderful way, in which the simple and the multiple are one, though God is infinite he is yet and end to himself and in himself, so that the Trinity is in itself, and is known to itself, and suffices to itself.
Pages 111-112.
Each separate work was good, but when they were all seen as one, they were not merely good: they were very good.
Page 112.
This worldly order in all its beauty will pass away. All these things that are very good will come to an end when the limit of their existence is reached.
Page 113.
The rest that we shall enjoy will be yours, just as the work that we now do is your work done through us. But you, O Lord, are eternally at work and eternally at rest. It is not in time that you see or in time that you move or in time that you rest; yet you make what we see in time; you make time itself and the repose which comes when time ceases.
Page 113.
It was only after a lapse of time that we ere impelled to do good, that is, after our hearts had received the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Before then our impulse was to do wrong, because we had deserted you.
Page 114.
You are Goodness itself and need no good besides yourself. You are for ever at rest, because you are your own repose.
Page 114.