Readers in Council,
5-4, Shibaura 4-chome,
Minato-ku, Tokyo 108-0023
I sincerely love Christmas, but worrying over Santa Claus is making me lose sleep.
Over the years, and especially since post-9/11 heightened security and immigration control protocols introduced by Japan I have slowly gravitated towards the Japanese nativist perception of crime and immigration as a foreign security threat. In this vein, the Christmas festival alarms me with its insidiousness. Red alert!
First of all, Santa Claus - a known alias - is an undocumented foreigner and, therefore, an intruder. Without a visa, Santa enters the country with the intent of using the cover of darkness to criminally burglarize people’s homes. Despite Santa’s unique and universally-recognized appearance, plus millions of leftover cookie crumbs and stained milk glasses that could provide ample forensic evidence, Immigration and police officials have yet to apprehend him.
Santa Claus has a long and familiar affinity for young children. Is he a pedophile?
Santa enters the country with a team of reindeer, a non-native species. Does he have a license to keep such large herbivores? And, are they properly cared for and screened for diseases like BSE? Forcing them to fly around the world in a single night sounds like animal abuse to me. I urge the Japanese Ministry of Agriculture and the Japanese Animal Welfare Society to investigate.
Does Santa’s red costume signify a dangerously radical affiliation? Maybe he’s on an intelligence-gathering mission for North Korea. We can’t be sure until we at least question him.
And, what about the toys he carries, their origin and manufacture? I hope they meet Japanese safety standards and do not violate the terms of any trade agreements. Does Santa’s army of elves have a proper contract with collective bargaining provisions, health insurance and retirement coverage, or are they enslaved victims of elf trafficking?
Before welcoming Santa the Japanese government must get to the bottom of these queries.