The Relativity Progon
A North Korean defector to the south confirmed in June 2011 that North Korean scientists have demonstrated (but are not broadcasting) how reading the Piper Paper helps one feel cooler in the hot summer months. Details from the Hermit Kingdom remain scarce as always, but Seoul- and Tokyo-based Pyongyang observers speculate either that information in the Piper Paper may, 1) describe effective and stable ambient environmental temperature reduction methodologies - in which case it could have many Global Warming environmental applications - or else, 2) it bears information that contributes directly to reduced body temperature - in which case it may have many reverse engineering applications for extreme weather engineering, from Antarctica and deep sea habitats to the International Space Station. Government agencies have not yet solicited copies of the PP either to conduct verifying experiments or to accompany astronauts into space, or submariners under sea, or extreme environment scientists to the Antarctic. But I am hoping that if speculation plays out and is confirmed that lucrative contracts might be pending.
Consideration of the matter was sparked after the defector, Big Kum Kim, provided Seoul authorities with photographs of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il carrying a Piper Paper in his left hand while visiting a state farm in June. Soon after his defection, two photographs appeared in the North’s online magazine Korean People’s Farming News, and Internet speculation about the English-language papers in the Dear Leader’s hand went viral. No one knows yet what the government of the tightly closed North may be planning to do with the information, nor even how the North Korean leader came into possession of a Piper Paper. Piper Paper editorial staff deny suggestions that any North Koreans are on its mailing list. All other enquiries received no comment, in keeping with the Piper Paper’s policy on personal privacy. (What used to be called the “PPPPP,” in the office until complains about too much spit forced a change to the much simpler “5 Ps”).
Aima Dikkhedo of the Tokyo-based Japanese right wing Patriotic Citizens’ Anti-North Korea Front has publicly stated that Kim Il Sung is negotiating secret technology transfers from Syria in order to use the Piper Paper’s temperature-regulating effect for malign ends - possibly as an adjunct to the nation’s nuclear weapons program. Although it sounds like wild speculation, all enquiries to Syrian, North Korean, and Piper Paper offices were ignored.
Still, all of this does not answer the query how the Piper Paper reached North Korea to begin with. It may not be an important question in light of the scientific attributes being credited to its content by Korean scientists, but it gnaws at the PP staff.
Piper Paper editor released this tersely worded statement on his blog (registeredalien.weebly.com):
“It gnaws me.”
Possibilities include simple theft in Tokyo and transportation in a diplomatic pouch. Or, Piper Paper customers might have been kidnapped from Niigata Prefecture on the Japan Sea coast and secreted across the Sea of Japan to the Korean peninsula as many Japanese “abductees” have suffered in the past. That seems a little far-fetched. Burglary in the PP’s Tokyo office and hacking of its computer are possible, but unlikely. So is smuggling aboard the few commercial freighters that service the North from Niigata City with Western consumer goods.
Independent science consultants interviewed for this story over a ham bagel and Earl Grey at a Starbucks speculated that, if the information retrieved from Big Kum Kim is correct, it might mean that the Piper Paper contains information that can be used to induce an analog rotation of the planet’s gauge field. That would violate the Euclidian symmetric field theory - one of only two competing symmetric field theories among theoretical mathematicians and physicists. Central to both symmetric field theories are eight formulae describing how particles group together. These eight formulae are collectively called the Law of Addition of Velocities. If the PP has information describing how to insert a relativity progon (so far only a theoretical particle, according to Professor New Klear at the Swiss Veganmixer Institute) into the gauge field rotation then it negates four of the eight formulae of the Law of Addition of Velocities. If that were true it would mean there is no relative mass to atmospheric particles or that we would not be able to calculate the mass. Using advanced math, it suggests that a medium can easily be manipulated as a heat nexus. Or something like that. Such a thing has never been possible, nor has it ever been imagined because of the supposed universality of the Law of Addition of Velocities.